Sounds Like a Personal Problem

Why am I here? I had to ask myself that today. Or, more accurately, what am I here for? What are my goals and expectations. I keep telling the people around me to examine their own motivations, and yet had you asked me that question an hour ago, I would not have had a clear answer. I am here to support something I believe in and to learn about myself and the process of being in this and similar environments so that I can be ready when the next opportunity to lead something that I believe in arises.

I sat in a police station for a few hours Tuesday morning. I guess that would have made for a more interesting post. Since they took my phone, you'll have to make do with the insights that I give you in this post. And maybe sometime at the end of this post I will enthrall you with that story.

Life, ironically, is about growth. Apparently the process doesn't stop when you learn how to pull up your diapers after a successful squat and your mommy gives you a big smile to let you know how thankful she is that she doesn't have to clean anything off of the floor or from between your legs. I have a lot of growing to do. I see processes and have perceptions and find it incredibly difficult to adjust to doing things in ways that I don't agree with. I guess my mother never properly taught me to share anything beyond toys, which, of course, is to say nothing about the amazing maternal abilities that she clearly possesses.

Sorry, I digress. I like working alone. I guess it has taken me long enough to learn that about myself. I like being in control of my own resources, process, and product. Only this summer, the resources are a bunch of emotional and hormonal teenagers, the process is not at all under my control, and the product is a very large grey question mark. If someone asks me what Amigos is and what it does, anyone and everyone starts the honed, tried, and true elevator pitch. The only problem is that it says absolutely nothing about what I do on a day to day basis. Sure, it can in ambiguous and vague ways describe what the goals of the organization are, but day to day activities? Unlikely. Unless there's some small print somewhere that talks about carrying around dead puppies in plastic bags.

Who am I? What am I doing here? To two shotgun hoisting motorcycle riding rentacops who, I swear, looked like two ambiguous characters off of SNL, apparently I am a threatening individual in my pocketless shorts, wifebeater, and sandals. And no I do not have pockets to carry my passport. No I did not know that this was law and punishable by fine and/or an extremely pointless visit to the local police station. There. There goes your story. It was 6:45 in the morning and I had just finished running barefoot in an empty lot at the edge of town.

But to answer the other part of my question, I am here to support success. The problem is that no one really has taken the time to sit me down and tell me exactly what that means.

Life Happens. Deal with it.

Maybe I'm just bad at this. It's the consistency that kills me. Or maybe, despite the fact that I have many interesting things that are happening around me, I still don't believe that I have anything interesting to say. I've actually had several ideas for posts. There was supposed to be one that went into how life is never going to be hard enough to make you quit. And then there was one about having to bite the bullet and getting your hands dirty. And finally the one I was going to write this morning would be a self-reflective piece about what it takes to be a part of a team. So I will write all three. Deal with it.

It's hard to see potential in someone and not force them to live up to it. I guess this is what parents have to go through on a daily basis. Having a slightly more removed view and not being face to face with the challenges that come up make it unreasonably easy to imagine a solution. This is not to say, of course, that the envisioned solution is actually the correct course of action. Because sometimes life is so much more scary than the people around you can believe. We all have our own fears - places that we refuse to go, steps we cannot take - that may seem completely irrational to those around us. And I get that. But this is real life, not Room 101. There will always be support. Someone to hold your hand and tell you that there is a purpose to the process. That coming out on the other side of the bridge is worth the risk of making it across. I am here because I believe in life. I believe in its ability to take care of me. Some people would ascribe my feeling of well-being and trust in the future to some sort of deity, but I simply have faith in life itself. Life, as far as I've seen it, has never given out more than can be handled. And when it has, people die. That sounds unbelievably harsh. But I believe it. Strength of will. It is why some people survive and some people don't. Or maybe I'm meandering.

Or maybe not. Because life is not always perfect. Things happen. Awful things. Sad things. Amazingly joyful things. But if you keep your eyes open, it is a mixture. Because some days will be good in the morning and end up being terrible nights. It's all about fortitude. Sometimes we have to handle things we don't want to or are not ready to handle. Sometimes there are hard choices to make or leaps that are not one hundred percent certain to land on solid ground. I don't particularly enjoy being the bad guy. I don't like telling people that what they are doing is wrong. It tears my heart into small and unmanageable pieces. But sometimes you have to. Sometimes you have to go to the places and do the things that you don't want to do because when you come out on the other side you are stronger. You are polished. And I guess that's supposed to make it worth it.

Is that my worth to a team? The guy that isn't afraid to keep running until he drops because he trusts that the coach knows what he is doing? I was told recently that my contribution is a warmth that makes people feel comfortable. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of turning that warmth off in order to get people to take me seriously. But now that I see the habit, it is changing. Because I am devoted to the journey. Maybe one day I will have my own project to run, and I will do everything that I can to make sure that I am ready.